The Pain Within. [rough draft]

He walked by but didn’t see me. I knew his path would lead right back to where I sat. I wanted to get up, run to anywhere but alone on my throne of rejection. If I got up would it be obvious I couldn’t handle the pain?

Here remains this shell sitting, waiting…

Back my way he paces. At first I didn’t know where to look. Should I divert my eyes, pretend to never see him or get caught staring as he unaware meanders in my direction? Choosing to look away, I gradually look up to appear if I had no idea paths would soon cross. We both look at one another, pitifully expressing no emotion and we wave. No big smiles, no Hey fancy meeting you here! A strained gesture coming from us both. Acknowledgment at least, what more could I ask for? However this didn’t take away that punch to the gut feeling I was having while sitting, waiting for him to walk back my way. Why does a pain in the heart actually mean pain in the pit of my stomach?

As he kept on walking, looking back down, I wanted to call out his name. Impulsively I wanted to run up to him and put my arms around him. I needed to say that this distance between us was making me someone I don’t want to be; a sad rejected girl who can’t get past it all.

Moments later I see him once more walking down the hall, jacket on and messenger bag strapped across his shoulder. My mind drifts as he’s fading out of sight.

I wonder if you notice that when you walk, you step on your tippy toes similar to the way babies teach themselves to walk. It’s like at any moment you are going to stumble and fall being new to this walking thing we do. I know if you do fall, you would just get back up and keep moving unsteadily from side to side. If you can let this, what should be, fall down and are able to dust yourself off continuing to head forward without looking back, then you can get back up from any stumble no matter how hard.
You can push forward.

I noticed a haircut too. It’s funny. I always thought your hair was funny. It’s like you’re a toddler and your mommy cuts it for you. Way too short might I add, but nonetheless adorably befitting of you.

Tippy toe walk and toddler hair. Appearing like a baby, almost fragile, vulnerable as I.

Out the door, he’s gone from sight. Here I sit, like a punch to the gut, I double over and let out an audible sigh.

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~ by kagomesakura on April 16, 2011.

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